Although wild turtles stay completely motionless when walking near them, my childhood friend Mark and I often found them as we tromped through the several acres of deciduous forest behind our Pennsylvania houses. I should say he found turtles. I never found a single one. They were mostly eastern box turtles, but one time he found a large snapping turtle that impressed us with its ferocious neck-stretching bite. We put them in a cardboard box and fed them lettuce for a day or two until a caring parent or older sibling helped the poor things escape back into the woods while we weren’t looking. Their camouflaged shells were no match for Mark’s turtle eye. I could step right over one without noticing and then he would call out from behind me about his find. “I almost stepped on it!” he would say holding it up. And I would think, Yeah, so did I. We’ve long since lost touch, but I hope he went on to become a naturalist with his turtle eye.

Later our family moved to Richland, Washington. The brother of my new friend Pat who lived down the street had an eye too. He had an eye for mechanical things. One day he heard me grinding away at the starter on my old green hand-me-down GM station wagon. “Mind if I take a look?” he asked, and I didn’t mind at all. He climbed right on top of the engine, periodically asking me to try to start it or to push the gas pedal while he poked and prodded. Within a few minutes he pulled a four-inch rod—a pin really—from the carburetor and showed it to me. “See how it’s bent?” I could not. He showed me more closely, and sure enough I saw the slight curve. “That bend is making the butterfly valve stick closed when it’s supposed to open. I’ll just straighten it out in my garage and it should be good as new.” And he did. And it was. I believe he went on to be a helicopter mechanic earning hundreds of dollars an hour with that mechanic’s eye.

One day, shortly after I’d started college and before I had better judgment, a few of us stopped briefly at the house of a friend’s mother-in-law to pick something up she had left there. We all spoke briefly after the item was handed over, and then got back into the car and drove off. There was a pause which I carelessly filled with a question to our friend, “What’s up between you and your mother in law?” There was another long, and even more awkward pause as our friend shot a look at my sister. “I told him nothing, I swear,” she said. And then, turning to me our friend asked, “What made you think there was something up between us?” It was really hard to answer, but I tried. I remember it had something to do, not so much with what was said, but what wasn’t said. There was more actually in the pauses that I picked up on, than there was in the actual words—more about how they didn’t look at each other than about how they did. Whatever it was, watching them talk I simply knew that there was something wrong between them. She told me they had argued earlier and that it was none of my business, but as we drove along she kept looking back at me like I was a witch or something. I took that relationship eye and founded the Marriage and Family Center.

Finding your career path might start with figuring out what kind of eye you have. Do you recognize a well-balanced photo or picture? If so, maybe you have an eye for graphic arts. Do you notice people’s symptoms or the things that help people heal? If so, maybe you have an eye for medicine. Do you see what it takes to teach someone about something, or can you write in a way that conveys a message just the way you want it conveyed, or can you look at a piece of property and know what needs to be done to landscape it? What do you have an eye for?

One problem is that when you have an eye for something, a lot of times you are the last one to know about it. Mark, for example, probably figured anyone could spot turtles in the woods. Pat’s brother thought anybody could have found that bent pin. And for many years I had no idea it was unusual to pick up on the subtitles of how people interact. Because it’s hard to see that your “eye” is somewhat unique, it may be hard to find it. It might take some trial and error and some listening to the people around you who care about you and want you to succeed. It might also take working some jobs that just don’t fit for you, and finding certain aspects of those jobs that you do like, for we tend to like the things we’re especially good at.

So consider what comes naturally to you. And ask around to the people who know you best.

What kind of eye do you have?

Now and then we get a call from someone asking if any of our therapists have recovered from a specific substance of abuse, or whether we have therapists of a particular race, religion, or sexual orientation. The assumption seems to be that if the therapist has not walked in the exact same footsteps as the caller, the therapist won’t really be able to understand or help.

Part of being human means that we tend to feel most comfortable around people that seem most like us, and if a person wants a therapist who falls into a specific category in order to feel more comfortable then he/she has that right. After all, for many people, seeing a new counselor is already an uncomfortable experience. It means sharing some of our most deeply personal challenges with a stranger. So it’s not surprising that people want to choose a therapist who seems similar to them.

What people may need for therapy to work, however, is not necessarily a therapist who is similar to them. What they more likely need is a therapist willing to understand them without judging them, and one who has had experience working with many different people facing many different issues.

To their credit most therapists come into the field ready to help people regardless of their background or their particular way of being in this world. We live in a world in which there are black people, white people, Asians, Mexicans, gay people, straight people, Christians, Jews, Muslims, atheists, conservatives, liberals, and many other groups. And none of these groups are immune to personal and relationship struggles. Again, it is understandable that people are more comfortable with people they perceive to be more like themselves. But it is still hard for me to understand why anyone would become a therapist when he/she is unable or unwilling to work with the variety of people in the community.

At the Marriage and Family Center, we are careful to pre-screen any therapists who want to practice with us. We make sure they have had experience with, and will be intelligent and respectful when counseling people of varying backgrounds. That way, if you have religious or other beliefs or practices that are part of your identity, the therapist practicing at the center will accept those beliefs as important to you and not try to change you.

Recently someone calling about possibly getting couples counseling at the Marriage and Family Center asked about our readiness to work with gay couples—stating that they had been told by another therapist that he/she did not feel “qualified” to work with gay people. I was sad to hear that. In my experience, accredited licensing programs qualify people to work with people of varying sexual orientations. I wonder if the previous therapist she had called was really just expressing that he/she did not feel comfortable working with gay people.

I don’t believe most people need to find a therapist who is just like them.  At the Marriage and Family Center, you can find what you probably really need—a therapist who will be open to the person you are, and work side by side with you on your own goals for a happier, more fulfilled life.  Start now by calling for an appointment.

For some other considerations when choosing a therapist, you may want to read What to Look for In a Counselor or Therapist

What else do you think people should consider when choosing a therapist?

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The idea of play therapy is not new.  Play therapists guide children in playing out their struggles and conflicts, for example through sand tray therapy, and when it is successful the children who participate are, as a result, better able to handle their lives.  But maybe play therapy shouldn’t just be for children.

Adults can benefit from play therapy too, but they often don’t know it.  Many adults have forgotten how to play or don’t feel like it’s socially okay to play.  For some adults, only when they drink alcohol or use other drugs can they give themselves permission to truly have fun playing.  In the summer of 2011, psychotherapist Jennifer Dale and I conducted a “Social Confidence and Self Esteem Class” at the Marriage and Family Center.  We guided participants through an increasingly interactive series of social games.  By the participant’s report, it was not only effective in helping them address some of their barriers to social confidence, it was also a lot of fun (more about this group later).

True play is a psychological state quite like meditation.  Someone fully engaged in a social game, whether it be tag, werewolf or sardines, is typically self aware, other aware, and focused on playing the game and nothing else.  One can lose ones inhibition and get into the game in a way that allows for a kind of genuine and complete fun that has become lacking in our modern, must-be-busily-productive-at-all-times, culture.  Bernie De Koven, author and games researcher calls this state “coliberation,” a term that combines collaboration with liberation but doesn’t really come very close to the meaning of either word.  In true play, coliberation roughly means participants free themselves and one another from fear and judgement (self consciousness and prejudice).

Fun is absolutely necessary to mental health.  A few years ago happiness researcher Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who calls true play “flow”, conducted a study in which subjects were to simply be productive from the time they woke up until 9:00 pm–doing nothing that could be considered recreation.  After 48 hours they had to stop the study because some of the participants had developed the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder.  Play provides the kind of renewing of our mind and spirit that can happen in no other way.  From within the experience of true play comes emotional healing. Fun therapy.

There are people who are very good at leading people to a state of true play.  Julia Heatherwick for example, a seminar leader and training coach in our fair town of Bakersfield, occasionally conducts Laughter is the Best Medicine groups at the Mercy Art and Spirituality Center.  During these groups she leads participants through a number of interactive “exercises” or games that engage people with one another and with their imagination in fun and connecting ways.

I am always looking for opportunities to play–to add playful experiences to my day, and to do the things before me in more playful ways.

If like me, you like to explore the healing power of play, please introduce yourself below.

Peace,

Michael

So now that we know what the opposite of buoyancy or resiliency looks like, let’s examine what characterizes someone who does have resiliency. According to Licensed Clinical Professional CounselorLinda Goldman*, a person who is resilient has these characteristics:

1. The ability to bounce back
2. The capacity to have courage
3. The motivation to move forward
4. The power to stay centered
5. The awareness of knowing themselves
6. The gift of laughter
7. The potential of showing promise
8. The capacity to ask for help
9. The tenacity to accomplish goals
10. The willingness to share feelings
11. The capability to connect with others
12. The inspiration to give back

Some of these characteristics appear to be innately given to a lucky few, but it does not mean those of us who have lost our buoyancy or who have trouble in certain areas cannot improve. Working with a licensed professional to help you see and improve in those trouble areas is highly recommended. It also falls under point 8: The capacity to ask for help. Setbacks, challenges and pain are unfortunately part of life. Therapy can help you learn how to use these setbacks to help you grow.

As mentioned under point 11 above, having friends is another way to improve your buoyancy. Dr. Richard Tunney, a British psychologist studied the happiness of people in relation to how many friends and what types of friendships they had. Results showed that those who were happiest of all were part of a small close-knit social circle that had existed for a long time. Friends help us maintain perspective and openness. They also help us work through painful situations, challenges and setbacks. Sometimes they just offer us support and sometimes they can point out areas we can improve so that our setbacks can be viewed as learning experiences.

Therapy can help you learn how to use setbacks to help you grow.

Our relationships with our partners is an area of our lives that both provides buoyancy and requires it. In my article Strong Marriages Save Lives, I explain how strong primary relationships actually lead to longer healthier lives. They also lead to a sense of well-being that helps us overcome emotional setbacks. Partner relationships unable to quickly bounce back after a set back can feel uncertain and tend to drain us emotionally and physically. But just like individuals can become more buoyant with guided practice, relationships can too.

The main goal is to improve the way you handle challenges so you can mature and grow as an individual, a couple, and in your relationships with friends and significant others. Adversity is always a part of life; improving your connections with others, your primary relationship, and strengthening yourself will help you bounce back from these adversities.

Personal and relationship growth, the kind that often happens through the work we do at the Marriage and Family Center, has helped many people live more satisfying and fulfilling lives. If you and/or your relationship could use more buoyancy, I hope you’ll contact us.

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*Goldman, Linda Raising Our Children to Be Resilient: A Guide to Helping Children Cope with Trauma in Today’s World. 2005, Taylor and Francis Books, Inc.

For more information about Dr. Tunney’s study on how relationships add to buoyancy, read Lynne McTaggart’s The Circle of Life.

Untreated children with ADHD are far more likely to have oppositional and defiant behavior, drug use, alcohol abuse and criminal activity. They are also far more susceptible to the stress of parent or family issues, divorce, family conflict, and other external stresses.

Untreated adults may have trouble keeping up on important home responsibilities, such as record-keeping or bill-paying; may have difficulties following through with work responsibilities (and therefore lose jobs or get passed up for promotions); and often experience relationship and other problems because of difficulties staying focused.

Fortunately, because there is such a range of treatment options, the diagnosis of ADHD does not mean you or your child or loved one will have to continue experiencing this kind of disruption.

What does ADHD look like in children?

The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:

Lack of attention (inattentiveness)
Hyperactivity
Impulsive behavior (impulsivity)

Some children with ADHD primarily have the inattentive type. Others may have a combination of types. Those with the inattentive type are less disruptive and are more likely to not be diagnosed with ADHD.

Inattentive symptoms

1. Does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
2. Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
3. Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
5. Has trouble organizing tasks and activities
6. Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
7. Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
8. Is easily distracted
9. Is often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity symptoms:

1. Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
2. Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
3. Runs around or climbs in inappropriate situations
4. Has difficulty playing quietly
5. Is often “on the go,” acts as if “driven by a motor,” talks excessively

Impulsivity symptoms:

1. Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
2. Has difficulty awaiting turn
3. Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)

ADHD in Adults

Although less likely than children to show the hyperactivity symptoms, adults with ADHD can show the same symptoms of impulsivity and especially inattention.

What causes ADHD?

It looks more and more as if ADHD is genetic. If you look through a family tree, it is likely you will see it hop scotching its way across the generations. It is not unusual for one parent to have it and pass it along to one or more offspring. It is not unusual to have an entire family in treatment in one form or another. The cause of ADHD is officially unknown, but consider this: head trauma or brain injury can often be a cause of ADHD. This makes you wonder what a brain injury might have in common with an uninjured ADHD brain. Scans of brain blood flow and activity patterns show that most brains with ADHD have low activity in the front of the brain. This makes sense since a blow to the front or back of the head (rebound effect) would result in an injury that would reduce activity in the front of the brain.

A cautionary note is appropriate here. There are many people who display hyperactive symptoms who do not have reduced brain activity. In fact, they have increased brain activity. In other words, certain parts of their brains are way over aroused, almost on fire. This is a very different type of ADHD. It has much more in common with anxiety and the typical treatments simply will not work for this type of disorder.

Treatments for ADHD

There are medical and non-medical ways to treat ADHD. As always when considering treatment options, one should carefully weigh the possible benefits against the possible risks—such as long-term effects and side effects. People with frontal lobe centered ADHD often respond well when medicated with stimulant medication like Ritalin.

Because the side effects of powerful prescription drugs are often found undesirable more and more people are looking for non-drug alternative treatments. Enter EEG and HEG Nuerofeedback. These are very powerful and effective non-drug alternatives. Yet these treatments are noninvasive and have virtually no side-effects.
Certain brainwave patterns are associated with ADHD. Research at UCLA has shown that these brainwave patterns can be changed using biofeedback. After a number of session the offending pattern can be altered enough to reduce the symptoms of ADHD. The administration of EEG (electroencephalograph) Nuerofeedback involves placing a few electrodes on the patients scalp and having them passively watch a movie. Feedback, such as altering the brightness of the picture, signals the brain that it is learning the new brainwave pattern. Most clinicians recommend 20 to 40 sessions of EEG Neurofeedback for complete treatment.

HEG (hemoencephalography) is a dramatically different and shorter approach. It involves taking the temperature of the forehead while the subject exercises the front part of the brain. With practice more blood flows into the frontal area and therefore raises the temperature of the forehead. HEG Neurofeedback involves the patient watching a movie and then shifting into the mode of focus and concentration and then going back to watching the movie. This is similar to interval training for runners and has a dramatic impact of the health of the front of the brain—usually with fewer sessions than with the EEG approach.

Untreated ADHD

Anyone suspecting they or their child may be struggling with ADHD should get themselves or their child evaluated immediately. Oftentimes we will simply assume that it’s just “laziness.” This results in feeling humiliated, angry, and with children, determined to engage in power struggles with adults.

An adult with untreated ADHD will not be able to meet his/her full potential in education, work, or relationships. And as previously mentioned, leaving children with ADHD untreated greatly increases the chances that they will have major problems as they grow up.

Fortunately there are many excellent treatment modalities and alternative therapies that can change the lives of those with ADHD and make life enjoyable once again for them and their loved ones.

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To discuss options for evaluation and treatment of adult or childhood ADHD, you may call Dr. Waller directly at 888.401.6275

For more info on ADHD in children http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm

For more info on adult ADHD http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm