The idea of play therapy is not new.  Play therapists guide children in playing out their struggles and conflicts, for example through sand tray therapy, and when it is successful the children who participate are, as a result, better able to handle their lives.  But maybe play therapy shouldn’t just be for children.

Adults can benefit from play therapy too, but they often don’t know it.  Many adults have forgotten how to play or don’t feel like it’s socially okay to play.  For some adults, only when they drink alcohol or use other drugs can they give themselves permission to truly have fun playing.  In the summer of 2011, psychotherapist Jennifer Dale and I conducted a “Social Confidence and Self Esteem Class” at the Marriage and Family Center.  We guided participants through an increasingly interactive series of social games.  By the participant’s report, it was not only effective in helping them address some of their barriers to social confidence, it was also a lot of fun (more about this group later).

True play is a psychological state quite like meditation.  Someone fully engaged in a social game, whether it be tag, werewolf or sardines, is typically self aware, other aware, and focused on playing the game and nothing else.  One can lose ones inhibition and get into the game in a way that allows for a kind of genuine and complete fun that has become lacking in our modern, must-be-busily-productive-at-all-times, culture.  Bernie De Koven, author and games researcher calls this state “coliberation,” a term that combines collaboration with liberation but doesn’t really come very close to the meaning of either word.  In true play, coliberation roughly means participants free themselves and one another from fear and judgement (self consciousness and prejudice).

Fun is absolutely necessary to mental health.  A few years ago happiness researcher Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who calls true play “flow”, conducted a study in which subjects were to simply be productive from the time they woke up until 9:00 pm–doing nothing that could be considered recreation.  After 48 hours they had to stop the study because some of the participants had developed the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder.  Play provides the kind of renewing of our mind and spirit that can happen in no other way.  From within the experience of true play comes emotional healing. Fun therapy.

There are people who are very good at leading people to a state of true play.  Julia Heatherwick for example, a seminar leader and training coach in our fair town of Bakersfield, occasionally conducts Laughter is the Best Medicine groups at the Mercy Art and Spirituality Center.  During these groups she leads participants through a number of interactive “exercises” or games that engage people with one another and with their imagination in fun and connecting ways.

I am always looking for opportunities to play–to add playful experiences to my day, and to do the things before me in more playful ways.

If like me, you like to explore the healing power of play, please introduce yourself below.

Peace,

Michael

So now that we know what the opposite of buoyancy or resiliency looks like, let’s examine what characterizes someone who does have resiliency. According to Licensed Clinical Professional CounselorLinda Goldman*, a person who is resilient has these characteristics:

1. The ability to bounce back
2. The capacity to have courage
3. The motivation to move forward
4. The power to stay centered
5. The awareness of knowing themselves
6. The gift of laughter
7. The potential of showing promise
8. The capacity to ask for help
9. The tenacity to accomplish goals
10. The willingness to share feelings
11. The capability to connect with others
12. The inspiration to give back

Some of these characteristics appear to be innately given to a lucky few, but it does not mean those of us who have lost our buoyancy or who have trouble in certain areas cannot improve. Working with a licensed professional to help you see and improve in those trouble areas is highly recommended. It also falls under point 8: The capacity to ask for help. Setbacks, challenges and pain are unfortunately part of life. Therapy can help you learn how to use these setbacks to help you grow.

As mentioned under point 11 above, having friends is another way to improve your buoyancy. Dr. Richard Tunney, a British psychologist studied the happiness of people in relation to how many friends and what types of friendships they had. Results showed that those who were happiest of all were part of a small close-knit social circle that had existed for a long time. Friends help us maintain perspective and openness. They also help us work through painful situations, challenges and setbacks. Sometimes they just offer us support and sometimes they can point out areas we can improve so that our setbacks can be viewed as learning experiences.

Therapy can help you learn how to use setbacks to help you grow.

Our relationships with our partners is an area of our lives that both provides buoyancy and requires it. In my article Strong Marriages Save Lives, I explain how strong primary relationships actually lead to longer healthier lives. They also lead to a sense of well-being that helps us overcome emotional setbacks. Partner relationships unable to quickly bounce back after a set back can feel uncertain and tend to drain us emotionally and physically. But just like individuals can become more buoyant with guided practice, relationships can too.

The main goal is to improve the way you handle challenges so you can mature and grow as an individual, a couple, and in your relationships with friends and significant others. Adversity is always a part of life; improving your connections with others, your primary relationship, and strengthening yourself will help you bounce back from these adversities.

Personal and relationship growth, the kind that often happens through the work we do at the Marriage and Family Center, has helped many people live more satisfying and fulfilling lives. If you and/or your relationship could use more buoyancy, I hope you’ll contact us.

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*Goldman, Linda Raising Our Children to Be Resilient: A Guide to Helping Children Cope with Trauma in Today’s World. 2005, Taylor and Francis Books, Inc.

For more information about Dr. Tunney’s study on how relationships add to buoyancy, read Lynne McTaggart’s The Circle of Life.

Untreated children with ADHD are far more likely to have oppositional and defiant behavior, drug use, alcohol abuse and criminal activity. They are also far more susceptible to the stress of parent or family issues, divorce, family conflict, and other external stresses.

Untreated adults may have trouble keeping up on important home responsibilities, such as record-keeping or bill-paying; may have difficulties following through with work responsibilities (and therefore lose jobs or get passed up for promotions); and often experience relationship and other problems because of difficulties staying focused.

Fortunately, because there is such a range of treatment options, the diagnosis of ADHD does not mean you or your child or loved one will have to continue experiencing this kind of disruption.

What does ADHD look like in children?

The symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:

Lack of attention (inattentiveness)
Hyperactivity
Impulsive behavior (impulsivity)

Some children with ADHD primarily have the inattentive type. Others may have a combination of types. Those with the inattentive type are less disruptive and are more likely to not be diagnosed with ADHD.

Inattentive symptoms

1. Does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
2. Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
3. Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
5. Has trouble organizing tasks and activities
6. Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
7. Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
8. Is easily distracted
9. Is often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity symptoms:

1. Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
2. Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
3. Runs around or climbs in inappropriate situations
4. Has difficulty playing quietly
5. Is often “on the go,” acts as if “driven by a motor,” talks excessively

Impulsivity symptoms:

1. Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
2. Has difficulty awaiting turn
3. Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)

ADHD in Adults

Although less likely than children to show the hyperactivity symptoms, adults with ADHD can show the same symptoms of impulsivity and especially inattention.

What causes ADHD?

It looks more and more as if ADHD is genetic. If you look through a family tree, it is likely you will see it hop scotching its way across the generations. It is not unusual for one parent to have it and pass it along to one or more offspring. It is not unusual to have an entire family in treatment in one form or another. The cause of ADHD is officially unknown, but consider this: head trauma or brain injury can often be a cause of ADHD. This makes you wonder what a brain injury might have in common with an uninjured ADHD brain. Scans of brain blood flow and activity patterns show that most brains with ADHD have low activity in the front of the brain. This makes sense since a blow to the front or back of the head (rebound effect) would result in an injury that would reduce activity in the front of the brain.

A cautionary note is appropriate here. There are many people who display hyperactive symptoms who do not have reduced brain activity. In fact, they have increased brain activity. In other words, certain parts of their brains are way over aroused, almost on fire. This is a very different type of ADHD. It has much more in common with anxiety and the typical treatments simply will not work for this type of disorder.

Treatments for ADHD

There are medical and non-medical ways to treat ADHD. As always when considering treatment options, one should carefully weigh the possible benefits against the possible risks—such as long-term effects and side effects. People with frontal lobe centered ADHD often respond well when medicated with stimulant medication like Ritalin.

Because the side effects of powerful prescription drugs are often found undesirable more and more people are looking for non-drug alternative treatments. Enter EEG and HEG Nuerofeedback. These are very powerful and effective non-drug alternatives. Yet these treatments are noninvasive and have virtually no side-effects.
Certain brainwave patterns are associated with ADHD. Research at UCLA has shown that these brainwave patterns can be changed using biofeedback. After a number of session the offending pattern can be altered enough to reduce the symptoms of ADHD. The administration of EEG (electroencephalograph) Nuerofeedback involves placing a few electrodes on the patients scalp and having them passively watch a movie. Feedback, such as altering the brightness of the picture, signals the brain that it is learning the new brainwave pattern. Most clinicians recommend 20 to 40 sessions of EEG Neurofeedback for complete treatment.

HEG (hemoencephalography) is a dramatically different and shorter approach. It involves taking the temperature of the forehead while the subject exercises the front part of the brain. With practice more blood flows into the frontal area and therefore raises the temperature of the forehead. HEG Neurofeedback involves the patient watching a movie and then shifting into the mode of focus and concentration and then going back to watching the movie. This is similar to interval training for runners and has a dramatic impact of the health of the front of the brain—usually with fewer sessions than with the EEG approach.

Untreated ADHD

Anyone suspecting they or their child may be struggling with ADHD should get themselves or their child evaluated immediately. Oftentimes we will simply assume that it’s just “laziness.” This results in feeling humiliated, angry, and with children, determined to engage in power struggles with adults.

An adult with untreated ADHD will not be able to meet his/her full potential in education, work, or relationships. And as previously mentioned, leaving children with ADHD untreated greatly increases the chances that they will have major problems as they grow up.

Fortunately there are many excellent treatment modalities and alternative therapies that can change the lives of those with ADHD and make life enjoyable once again for them and their loved ones.

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To discuss options for evaluation and treatment of adult or childhood ADHD, you may call Dr. Waller directly at 888.401.6275

For more info on ADHD in children http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm

For more info on adult ADHD http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm

Being more loving means putting things in ways that are less likely to upset your partner. This article starts with a discussion of a few of the words and phrases likely to rile us, along with some suggestions for less volatile replacements. After that, it suggests a way for you and your partner to keep such phrases from pulling you off base.

“You”

As in: You are being so inconsiderate, or You’re making me so mad right now. Telling someone “You are doing this,” or “You are making me feel that” is an accusation, and nobody likes to feel accused; we usually get defensive. If you notice those things going on inside yourself—you’re feeling disregarded, or angry for example—then take responsibility for those feelings by saying “I’m not feeling very considered,” or “I’m feeling really frustrated right now.” Speaking about this a friend said, “My wife got that exactly right after we got married. She said, ‘When I go to bed after you and my side of the bed is not turned down, I start to think maybe you’re mad at me or that you don’t love me.’” My friend told me for the rest of their marriage he turned down her side of the bed first. “Not only that, but for a month I also left a little love note on her pillow.” He and I agreed that if she had tossed some “yous” in there, accusing him of being inconsiderate, it would not have gone so well.

“But”

As in, “That’s a good idea, but…” or “I appreciate it, but…” When we stick our “buts” into something positive we’ve just said, we tend to unsay it. “That’s a good idea, but…” means we don’t really think it’s a good idea. “I appreciate it, but…” means we don’t really appreciate it. It also emphasizes the negative part by putting it last. It’s weird that word order should matter so much, but it does. For example, it feels much better to most people when they hear, “You’re kind of lazy, but I love you,” than it does to hear “I love you, but you’re kind of lazy.” The first sentence leaves most people feeling loved, while the second leaves them feeling unloved and lazy. Instead of negating with a “but,” try augmenting with an “and.” Instead of “You’re a great partner, but you need to stand up to your mom more,” try, “You’re a great partner and I’d love to see you stand up to your mother on this.”

Dismissing words and phrases

As in: “That’s ridiculous” or “That’s B.S.” or “That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.” When someone uses one of these phrases I instantly know they are not only dismissing my idea without looking at any of it’s potential merits, I also feel like they are dismissing me. I suddenly feel insulted and want to defend my sensibility, credibility, or sanity.  Instead of dismissing your partner’s idea when you find yourself disagreeing with it, work hard to look at the merits of it from his or her point of view. List them aloud, and explain why you think those merits are important to him/her. And before you give your concerns about it—if it’s important for you to do so—be careful not to stick that dreaded “but” into the sentence. Give your partner full credit for having a brain in this way, and he/she will much more likely hear your opinions about the subject.

“Why”

As in, “Why are you late?” or “Why didn’t you text me back?” You may simply want information, but asking a Why is usually not a good way to get it. When asked “why” we often feel defensive and try to justify ourselves. Instead of “why,” consider either looking for more information with a “what,” or making a neutral guess about things. For example, instead of “Why are you late?” simply ask, “What happened?” I mean, you don’t know. They may have been mugged or passed a kidney stone on the way home. Instead of “Why didn’t you text me back?” make a neutral guess like, “Did you get swamped after I texted you?”

“If you really loved me you would…”

“ …you would take me on a vacation. …let me get a dog. …have sex with me more often,” and on and on. Feeling unloved because your partner is not doing what you want is a “you problem,” not a “him/her” problem, and confusing that creates tension. If you are truly not getting the love you want, then that needs to be addressed. But it’s not going to get better by accusing him/her of being unloving when he/she doesn’t comply. Whenever you feel tempted to use this phrase, take it as a signal that you might benefit not only from (1) learning to more effectively get your love needs met, and (2) learning to feel more comfortable in a world (and a relationship) in which others do what they want to do, not what you want them to do.

“Why do you always have to…?” or “Why can’t you ever… ?”

As in “Why do yo always have to interrupt me?” or “Why can’t you ever pick your socks up?” Not only do these phrases use the dreaded “You” and the defensiveness-provoking “Why” already discussed, the use of absolutes like “always” and “never” are great ways to raise the hackles. When our partner uses these terms we immediately look for the one exception. Suddenly we’re not talking about her frustration at having been interrupted; now we’re talking about whether the statement is always completely true or not. One idea for replacing absolutes is to fess up to your own feelings at the moment using “I statements.” I statements also help you avoid making accusations. “I felt kind of dismissed and disrespected when you cut me off just now,” or even better, “I will feel much more respected in this conversation if I can finish my sentences” Regarding the socks on the floor example, how about turning a “but” to your advantage? “I know it doesn’t bother you much to have socks lying on the floor, but when you pick them up and they’re not there in the morning I know you’re thinking about me, and I feel loved.”

Unflattering comparisons

As in “Why can’t you be more like my mother and make me breakfast every day?” or “You know, all my previous boyfriends bought me dinner at least once a week.” What is our purpose for telling someone they don’t measure up to someone else in some respect or another? It’s insulting and shaming. When we do this we are actually saying, “Other people are like that. What’s the matter with you?” The solution? Take personal responsibility for your needs. Train yourself not to push your dissatisfaction onto your partner. The reason you are unhappy about something in your relationship is not because your partner is different from someone else. Once again, you yourself are responsible for getting your needs met in your relationship. Your partner is there to help you, but it’s your job. If you haven’t figured out how, get creative. Get some ideas from books, professionals, brainstorm, even ask your partner for help solving your problem. But allow it to be your problem to solve and find a solution that brings you closer together—not insults that push you apart.

Blaming

Saying “This is your fault” or worse, “This is all your fault” is obvious blaming, but more subtle blame can be behind, “We need to talk.” If it feels like blaming, the assumption may be that you are really wanting to say, “We need to talk because you’re doing something that is bothering me. Sit down here and let me spell out how flawed you are.” You may have no such intention, but if you have a habit of unintentionally blaming your partner for your unhappiness, then (1) without intending to you may be subtly conveying that message, and (2) your partner is probably sensitized to it and expecting the blame even when it isn’t there. As with some of the other fighting words above, blaming comes from the belief that your happiness depends on the people around you doing what you want them to do. It doesn’t. It depends on you choosing to do things that help you be happy—including choosing to interact happily with positive and loving people.

What to do if you notice yourself using one or more of these “fighting words.”

Make a commitment to stop using words and phrases that just cause conflict.
Share your commitment with your partner and others.
Discuss the specific words and phrases you want to stop using. Accept your partner’s ideas too.
Bite your tongue before the words are said.
Stop yourself at any point in saying them.
Refuse to make excuses for saying harmful things—if it hurts the relationship, it’s still wrong: even if your partner did something wrong first.
Apologize immediately and back off your point—you’ll have to make it at another time because you’ve already spoiled the moment
Recommit to yourself and your partner to stop the harmful speech.

What to do when your partner uses “fighting words.”

Seek a commitment from your partner to stop using words and phrases that cause conflict
Share with him/her the above steps
Follow the above steps yourself if you or your partner feel you sometimes use “fighting words.”
Say, “When you use that kind of phrase my emotions get riled up and I can’t talk reasonably about the subject anymore. Let’s talk about something else for a while and then we can come back to this.”
Stay present and connected to your partner, just talk about something nice or neutral for a while
Offer sincere apologies if you were even a little harsh or escalated
Accept your partner’s apologies and recommitment to stopping fighting words

Did this article help you in some way?

What are some of the other fighting words or phrases you most love to hate?

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Parents also ask, “What do I do about the explicit texts, e-mails, and Facebook posts?” that they have discovered on their adolescent’s computer or phone. If we, as parents, are waiting until early adolescence to start the conversation, we have waited too long.

Whether or not We’re Meaning To Teach, They’re Learning

There are countless lessons we teach our children starting very early in life. Much of what we begin to teach our children, we do directly, especially those things we believe are important to their survival. For example, “Don’t put that in your mouth,” “Look both ways before crossing the street,” and “Don’t talk to strangers.” We do this because we care for their well-being and don’t want to see them get hurt. They are also learning about the world around them by watching and monitoring the way the adults in their lives, especially their parents, conduct themselves. They are engaged in continuous observation, looking for clues about how to conduct themselves as they grow and mature.

When we identify the penis or vagina with a name other than what it actually is we send our children a message: The private parts of their body are to be referred to or referenced only through “code words”. As cute as the names may be, we end up planting a seed of secrecy. At the very least, we create a sense that we cannot talk as openly about this part of the body as we do the rest of the body. You have eyes, ears, knees, toes, elbows, and a nose… boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

Properly Handle Handling

Normalizing our children’s natural bodily functions and curiosities is critical. It is soothing and stimulating for even infants to touch their genitalia. Your infant son or daughter isn’t having sexual thoughts, so don’t panic. It is soothing to touch a part of the body that is loaded with so many nerve endings. Pulling your child’s hand away plants a tiny seed of shame and embarrassment. Don’t worry, your child is not going to “play” with themselves for the entirety of their childhood if you don’t nip it in the bud right now. In the next article, I will discuss how we talk to our young children about appropriate and inappropriate touching; setting age appropriate boundaries, expectations, and understanding.

Normalizing What’s Normal

Peeing, pooping, and passing gas are all natural occurrences. Consider the ways we respond to these natural functions. When we tell them that they made a “stinky” or when they sense that we are frustrated with their “creature releases” we are sending unintended negative messages. Those messages do little to normalize a completely normal, healthy, and essential part of their biology. We might politely refer to those occurrences as an accident. It’s no accident. That’s how the body works. From infancy to toddlerhood we have the opportunity to send a lot of messages about this whole mysterious middle section of the body. What a stressor for young minds! They don’t know what to call it, how it works, or why it keeps “having accidents.” I am not suggesting that we celebrate our children’s bowel movements or flatulence. We can normalize their “creature releases” by reacting to them much in the same way you respond to their other natural functions such as sneezing, yawning, or burping.

We can do a few simple things, early on, to help build a foundation for healthy sexuality throughout our children’s lives:

• Use proper names for the genitalia.
• Let your infant and toddler naturally become familiar with their body.
• Respond to your infant and toddlers “creature releases” as though they are normal, expected, and accepted occurrences (because they are).

A final note about our own bodies and sexual image. If you are not comfortable with your own body, if you do not see yourself as a sexual being, or if you have negative emotions connected to your body/sexuality, you are likely to pass those traits on to your children. In the coming articles I will address how the messages you received throughout your upbringing and your own sexual history can interfere with your desire to provide your child with a healthy, strong, and balanced sense of themselves.

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